Thanks for Listening

Remember when I said I foresaw a larger return to blogging now that Avram is back in school? That was before I got pregnant. Now I only foresee possibly, perhaps, surviving through to mid December (my 12 week mark). Normally I try not to be a downer on the Internet - I figure that the world has enough depressing news, and really doesn't need to know how messy my house is to just make everyone collapse in crying heaps of lost humanity.

But, you can go find yourself a heap of lost humanity and box of kleenex, because my house is really messy. So messy, I wouldn't even take a picture of my bedroom and let my own sisters see it. We're down to the wash a dish as you need it approach to living. Where's Avram in all this? Well, he's taking care of his wife and two daughters, all of whom came down with terrible colds on Friday. And he's doing all of the cooking for all three meals every day, because even the thought of food makes me feel yucky - at any time, day or night. And he's helping me babysit. And he's grading his midterms he administered for his class he's teaching. While at the same time taking two take-home midterms of his own.

When I was pregnant with Lydia, I was classically morning sick. I threw up every morning, once or twice, and I was nauseaus all morning long. Then by lunchtime, I could eat just fine, and the rest of the day I was quite stable. With Elisheva I was nauseaus during the daytime, until around three or so, but I never threw up except twice the whole pregnancy. With this baby, I'm not nauseaus as in I feel like I'm going to hurl. I just feel sick. All of the time, day and night. Food sound yucky to me. I'm so dehydrated that last night while watching a movie where they drank some water out of a dipper, I almost started crying I wanted it so bad. But then everytime I do drink water, I feel so sick and upset stomachy that I've unintentionally gone on strike. I tried crystal light. I tried juice (I can do apple juice, but we ran out of it). Milk I could do, but with this cold I can only handle it in cereal. Last night Avram got me a cup of water, and had me take one sip every couple of minutes. Over a half hour, I managed to get down a whole cup of water, and not feel yuckier than normal.

I am grateful I'm not throwing up all of the time. But I never realized how refreshing having time off every day where I don't feel sick was until now. Now I feel like myself and hence my family are in pure survival mode. "Seven and a half weeks" that's my mantra. Only five weeks left of this.

On the positive side, I finally weaned Elisheva. I had wanted to before I got pregnant, but planned to do it over Christmas break, when Avram had time to help her if she needed extra care and attention. Then, with not being able to keep even myself and fetus in enough liquid, I knew that I couldn't keep nursing Elisheva, even just the little bit that I still did. Two mornings ago, she nursed like normal. And then, via a miracle of God, she hasn't nursed since. I haven't offered, and she hasn't tried, and just like that she's weaned. Although I was ready to be done with nursing her before - not because I have anything against kids over a year old nursing. I nursed until I was two and a half, and supposedly they've done studies and children who are nursed until they're over two are smarter, or something. My mother was very La Leche League, and all that. Just with Elisheva I knew we were planning on having a kid soon, and wanted my own body back for a while, completely mine. That didn't happen. And I although I am very glad and relieved that she stopped cold turkey, I do find myself feeling sentimental and a little poignant. I love the nursing relationship, the closeness you feel to your baby. I love that it can not only nourish them physically, but also comfort them when sad or hurt, and calm them from nightmares in the middle of the night.

Now that Elisheva is weaned, she seems so old to me, such a big girl. She turned 18 months this last week.

I realize reading this whole post you might think that we don't want another baby. We do - this was not an accidental pregnancy (although we did go to the temple at the end of August and decided to stop waiting....and one month later I was pregnant. I expected several months would pass.) And I was the third child, so I know what charmers they can be. But I've babysat extra children since Lydia was a baby, and I also know how hard it is when you have three or four young children to take care of. Even after part-time babysitting James, who's now 10 months old, since he was six weeks old, I still shy away from going places with all three children. It's such a chore. Everyone always says that the third child is the hardest, because then you run out of hands. And I'm scared of that. Of feeling overwhelmed. I already feel overwhelmed in anticipation of feeling overwhelmed, as senseless as that is. Plus I look at our girls, and I ask myself, "How can anyone add to me and my girls? Won't I just have to divide my love up?" Although I know this is a logical fallacy. I couldn't imagine having more than just Lydia until Elisheva actually came. There were a couple of weeks of emotional and physical adjustmant to our home and hearts, but now I cannot imagine not having Elisheva in our lives. I find that when I think of times before she was born, I almost insert her into the memories because she is such a core member of our family, I truly cannot imagine how we were a family until she came along.

To sum up: we're ok. Really. I just like to complain - thanks for listening.