I can't quite remember....

So cute, the loss of my mind is worth it.

I don't like to define myself by cliches about motherhood or being a stay at home mom. I even call myself a homemaker, to differentiate myself from the image I get when I say stay at home mom - which latter phrase makes me sound like I'm a frumpy woman old for her time, who stays in stretch clothes all day and stays at home, never leaving the house, and stares at her walls for hours on end, while her children roam the house as wild packs, intent on the hunt (of destruction). Now, homemaker make bring to mind a 1950s housewife, who applies liberal red lipstick and carefully coiffures her hair, wears a small waisted dress with an apron and vacuumes her already immaculate house while waiting for her husband to come home and sample her cooking.

The truth of the matter is that I do stay at home almost all the time as a mom, but I get dressed (usually in skirts) every day - although I leave off the make-up, and the hairdo, and the apron. But at least I don't stare at the walls for hours - I leave my staring for books.

Regardless, another cliche I like to avoid is the "mommy brain."

Early this morning, at 4:40 am, I woke up convinced that we had never been mailed our water bill, and it would be late in two days. I'd had a vague nagging feeling for weeks that we should have another bill to pay, and had been waiting impatiently to receive it, convinced it must have been lost in the mail. We only pay our water ever three months or so, so it's easy for me to lose track periodically when the next bill is due. I knew that I had paid the last water bill in March, so I felt very overdue for another payment. I tried telling myself that I could pay it in the morning, and that it wouldn't be late a mere four hours later, but to no avail. I tossed and turned, and finally went downstairs, dug through our file box, and found the phone number for our automatic pay utilities. Unfortunately, although you can pay your bill over the phone, they don't tell you how much you owe. So I got on the computer, got into my account, and discovered that I had paid a bill in June, and the next one wasn't due until September. That's great for our budget, but sadly, I don't remember paying a bill in June. And due to the antiquated Columbus Water Facilities, I always mail in our water bill physically, because they charge fees to pay online or over the phone - which means that this wasn't a simple automatic deduction, or a simple click of the mouse I forgot. I forgot writing checks, and mailing letters.

Combine this with the fact that yesterday I twice told people that I was going to a Ladies Luncheon that someone in my ward organizes for stay at home moms (homemakers? Ladies of the Day?) today, when really in my day planner it was scheduled for next week. Understandable mistake, but less understandable when you realize that I had forgotten about the luncheon, and only remembered it yesterday when I checked my day planner. Apparently I can't remember to look at the number of the day, and July 29 doesn't really look anything like August 5th anyway.

All I can conclude is I'm losing, or have already lost, my short and long term memory. It galls me (mostly just because I love to use the word gall in a sentence) that I'm falling prey to this disease of motherhood. I'm one of those people that used to, in a firmer and younger reincarnation, remember every date and number, every social occasion and responsibility in firmly engraved tablets on my brain. I never forgot them, even when I would rather have so I could skip out on something, and then claim I merely forgot. It turns out when you don't get to selectively choose what to forget, it's a lot less useful. I already mix up my children's names, so the only step left is dementia.

Well, in case I forget I have a blog next - it's been a good life, world. Even if I can't remember it.