Somewhere, Over the Rainbow...

Whenever I'm pregnant I suffer from morbidity. As in, when I was pregnant with Lydia, and I worked in Orem and lived in Provo, every day when I drove home through the sleet and snow in mid winter, Avram getting a call from the hospital of my accident and death would run through my mind. Not that I tried to dwell on it, but it was like watching a movie in my head. Sometimes I would even begin crying as the sadness of my untimely death rolled through my mind. It was bad enough that Avram didn't like me driving alone anywhere, because every time I did I would imagine car accidents and death.

Avram's death also seemed imminent at any moment. I often thought of what I was supposed to do as a 23 year old widow with a new baby coming, and where would I go to live, and how was I going to survive without him. I thought of ways I could meet a new husband as soon as possible, so that I wouldn't have to be unmarried. I even wondered if I could convince my then-unmarried brother-in-law to marry me, just so I wouldn't have to find new in-laws, and then according to the bible, all the kids would belong to Avram anyway. (Don't worry, Samuel, it's not like I had a crush on you. And don't worry, Aleatha, now that he's married, I'll just have to get Luke to marry me if this happens).

During this last pregnancy with Elisheva I was also similarly convinced. Thankfully I haven't had a car to drive in England, so I never worry about car accidents. Mainly I just worried about birthing accidents. I have at various times while living here planned out funerals for all members of the family, I have pondered whether family would fly out here (or even should; after all, if I'm already dead then there's no point, right?), and how in the world Avram would take care of two daughters without me, although one day in tears I did make him promise to keep Lydia and Elisheva with him, no matter how hard it was, rather then farm them out to others to raise.

I was reminded of this when I listened to IZ sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on my sister's blog. I absolutely love that version of the song, and want it at my funeral; it's a good poignant song, but still is happy enough in its own sad way that I wouldn't feel like my funeral would be a downer. Also, I want people to donate to the PEF fund, like they asked for President Hinckley's funeral, I am very insistent on an upright headstone (which seems to be very common here, as apposed to in America), I want to be buried in the Yarnton Cemetery, which happens to be right by the Manor, so it would be like being buried in my home here (which is a positive thing in my mind), and I've asked Avram to plant a permanent flowering bush, like a miniature rosebush, or maybe plant perennial flowers on my grave, so that way I'll have flowers every year (he promised to do so under pain of wifely anger).

Thankfully I have a husband is very understanding; he takes me seriously, and has variously promised in recent months to do all I ask him about my funeral, burial (although he thinks I ought to be shipped back to America, but I wouldn't want my dead body crossing the world for two reasons. The first, is it's romantic to be the young wife, buried in far off England, and the second is I'm cheap, and it's probably really expensive to ship a dead body; much more than a living one. Avram did say that if my relatives wanted to fly over for the funeral, he wouldn't dissuade them, because if they needed to say their goodbyes, it would be worth the money to do so {I thought that maybe they shouldn't come, because it would cost too much}), and raising our daughters afterwards. At the same time, his complete faith that I won't die, now will anything else untoward happen reassures me as well. (As you can tell by his intercepted comments that he thinks I'm a little ridiculous about it all).

Now that I'm not pregnant I haven't thought of my morbid pregnant tendencies until I heard that song, and it brought it all back to me. It reminds me of how Anne of Green Gables was making a cake once as a child, and was thinking of how someday her best friend Diana would get married, and Anne would be left alone, and she cried so hard, she forgot some essential ingredient, like the flour. I guess I'm just sentimental (Avram added silly here, and that I'm so weird). It's not like I'm depressed when I'm pregnant; I don't want to die, nor do I want him or our children to either. I don't actually fear it, either; I don't avoid driving, I don't feel particularly dangerous when I am driving. Neither do I avoid any other activities. It's more like I have a heightened awareness of life and death all around me, particularly for myself and those I love. Maybe all the life creating inside of me is offset by my thoughts of death contingency plans. (Avram intercepts here and comments that maybe I'm just crazy).

Sometimes I think I like being sentimental, though. I even like the word. Do any of you ever get weird thoughts in Pregnancy? Or just in general?